How many of you out there remember the scene from Pretty Woman when Vivian goes in the bathroom to floss her teeth and Edward follows her in and thinks she is doing drugs? At first, he's ready to kick her out and when she finally gives up the jig that she's flossing he's at a loss for words. Edward apologizes and says, "Sorry, but very few people surprise me." And Vivian replies, "Well, you're lucky. Most of them shock the hell out of me."
I completely relate with Edward. People are so predicable to me. No one shocks me anymore. From this I learned a HUGE lesson today.
I got a little flirty (I thought it was harmless) last night with someone and, SURPRISE SURPRISE!!!, another naked picture added to my 'collection.' Luckily, this photo didn't go through. But I could have called it...
My first thought about this was "WTF??? I'm a beautiful (yes, I'm comfortable saying it and don't fear the judgment of appearing vain), intelligent and talented woman! WHY am I attracting such jerks?!?!? I almost began to regress a bit and started to think that maybe I deserve men like this-that somehow God thinks I'm only worthy of men that are creepy. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm PRESENTING myself to these men in a way that would lead them to believe that this behavior is something I find acceptable or even worse...that I would LIKE! How, you might ask? Let me explain.
I have a picture of my legs on Facebook. I love my legs...and the photo is very artistic. I love the photo more for the art of it, but today it has dawned on me that that photo is telling others a MUCH different story of who I am. I forget sometimes that artists think differently than non-artists. What some appreciate for beauty, others think different thoughts. BIG lesson learned here. So photos go bye bye. So does guy. So does my fear that I will fall in the same trap I've been falling into for most of my life.
And I think the man that will be my mate forever will be the one who DOES surprise me! And I can't wait to be surprised!!!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Devotion
Earlier today I was on line at a craft store and this older man ahead of me was checking out a bunch of silk roses. He struck up some small talk with the sales woman about the weather and I was thinking "Why would a man buy silk flowers?' . They kept talking when all of a sudden he answered my question: "It better stop raining tomorrow! I have to go down and put these flowers on my wife's grave." I instantly wanted to cry and was slightly ashamed for thinking he was strange for buying silk flowers. I started thinking why tomorrow? Their anniversary? Her birthday? The same day she died? Whatever the reason, he was devoted to remembering her in some way.
It got me thinking about devotion. What is it? How do you measure it?
I don't think any man I've ever been with was THAT devoted to me....something that comes with disappointment, I guess. I wonder what it feels like to have a lover be devoted, not only to me, but to our relationship and keeping it strong. I think back to all the times I solely was the one who kept the relationship strong. I know what it feels like to devote myself to others, but never has one been devoted to me. I hope that changes...
I know my cat is devoted to me...TOO devoted in fact. The world stops when I walk through the door. I wonder if that's how it feels when a man is devoted to me.
And then there's friends and family. I think back to all the things I've done for people out of devotion for them. And I also remember some of things people have done for me for the same reason. I recently did something I'm not proud of. I interfered in a situation that I should have stayed out of. However, I was so angry that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Ultimately, I was applauded for doing it, but I felt guilty. Who am I to judge someone and what they do with their life? And then after seeing this man in the craft store, I realized why I did it. I am devoted to my friend. I love her and I don't want her to get hurt. I no longer regret my actions.
My last thought on devotion takes me back to the cemetery. I recently was in MA and went to visit my uncle and grandfather's grave. Nearby is the grave of a young solider who lost his life in Iraq at the age of 21. You can't miss hiss stone- it's huge, and heavily decorated with lawn ornaments, beer mugs, and memorabilia from his life. Not to mention carefully manicured plants and flowers. Somehow, I'm drawn to it every time I see it. While I was there this time, the solider's grandmother came to water his plants. She starting asking us about our uncle and grandfather and started telling us about her grandson. She offered to maintain my family's grave, since we were nice people and she's there everyday. EVERYDAY! She said when she needs peace, she comes with a beach chair and spends the day with him, by the end of the day she finds her answer. THAT'S DEVOTION.
Whatever the strength of devotion is, I leave you with this question:
Have you showed your devotion to someone you love? If not, do something to show how much you love that person. Let them know they're special. If you have, keep doing it.
It got me thinking about devotion. What is it? How do you measure it?
I don't think any man I've ever been with was THAT devoted to me....something that comes with disappointment, I guess. I wonder what it feels like to have a lover be devoted, not only to me, but to our relationship and keeping it strong. I think back to all the times I solely was the one who kept the relationship strong. I know what it feels like to devote myself to others, but never has one been devoted to me. I hope that changes...
I know my cat is devoted to me...TOO devoted in fact. The world stops when I walk through the door. I wonder if that's how it feels when a man is devoted to me.
And then there's friends and family. I think back to all the things I've done for people out of devotion for them. And I also remember some of things people have done for me for the same reason. I recently did something I'm not proud of. I interfered in a situation that I should have stayed out of. However, I was so angry that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Ultimately, I was applauded for doing it, but I felt guilty. Who am I to judge someone and what they do with their life? And then after seeing this man in the craft store, I realized why I did it. I am devoted to my friend. I love her and I don't want her to get hurt. I no longer regret my actions.
My last thought on devotion takes me back to the cemetery. I recently was in MA and went to visit my uncle and grandfather's grave. Nearby is the grave of a young solider who lost his life in Iraq at the age of 21. You can't miss hiss stone- it's huge, and heavily decorated with lawn ornaments, beer mugs, and memorabilia from his life. Not to mention carefully manicured plants and flowers. Somehow, I'm drawn to it every time I see it. While I was there this time, the solider's grandmother came to water his plants. She starting asking us about our uncle and grandfather and started telling us about her grandson. She offered to maintain my family's grave, since we were nice people and she's there everyday. EVERYDAY! She said when she needs peace, she comes with a beach chair and spends the day with him, by the end of the day she finds her answer. THAT'S DEVOTION.
Whatever the strength of devotion is, I leave you with this question:
Have you showed your devotion to someone you love? If not, do something to show how much you love that person. Let them know they're special. If you have, keep doing it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
A New Season Coming
A few days ago I got my dreaded 'welcome back' letter from our superintendent. For most people ads for back to school supplies usually do it, but for teachers, that is the tell-tale sign that summer is officially over. And like most teachers do when they read that letter, I instantly thought back to June to wonder where the time went.
Only this time it's different. Usually by this time of year, I am so SICK of being in my own skin that I welcome the return of school. It's the best opportunity to once again escape my thoughts, relationship problems, etc. This year, I'm sad summer is over...
This has been the best summer of my life...because I LIVED it. I danced when I felt like dancing (alot), ate what I wanted, enjoyed time with the people that matter most, tried new things, went to new places and jumped many 'cliffs'. I was able to forgive myself finally for my divorce with PDA. Most of all this is the summer I have learned to LOVE myself. And with all this joy I've had the opportunity to experience, I can't help but feel slightly sad that I can no longer focus all of my time on them and me for a while. Perhaps it's the rainy weather that's got me down...
Summer, I will miss you greatly. However, I KNOW and have faith in the fact that this is only just the beginning of a new and exciting life for me. There is this new band I started listening to called 'Civil Twilight.' They have a song called On the Surface and the chorus goes:
"I heard a song inside of me
It resonated off the sea
And all the chorus voices sang it back to me
If life is an ocean
Then I'm only on the surface"
Ironically, this song came on while I was actually ON the ocean coming back from the whale watch. It was an amazing song to hear when nothing surrounds you but water and wind. I hope everyone takes this thought and runs with it. It means to push yourself beyond what you see and enter into what you FEEL.
Only this time it's different. Usually by this time of year, I am so SICK of being in my own skin that I welcome the return of school. It's the best opportunity to once again escape my thoughts, relationship problems, etc. This year, I'm sad summer is over...
This has been the best summer of my life...because I LIVED it. I danced when I felt like dancing (alot), ate what I wanted, enjoyed time with the people that matter most, tried new things, went to new places and jumped many 'cliffs'. I was able to forgive myself finally for my divorce with PDA. Most of all this is the summer I have learned to LOVE myself. And with all this joy I've had the opportunity to experience, I can't help but feel slightly sad that I can no longer focus all of my time on them and me for a while. Perhaps it's the rainy weather that's got me down...
Summer, I will miss you greatly. However, I KNOW and have faith in the fact that this is only just the beginning of a new and exciting life for me. There is this new band I started listening to called 'Civil Twilight.' They have a song called On the Surface and the chorus goes:
"I heard a song inside of me
It resonated off the sea
And all the chorus voices sang it back to me
If life is an ocean
Then I'm only on the surface"
Ironically, this song came on while I was actually ON the ocean coming back from the whale watch. It was an amazing song to hear when nothing surrounds you but water and wind. I hope everyone takes this thought and runs with it. It means to push yourself beyond what you see and enter into what you FEEL.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Cliff Jumping
A few years ago I was at a pool that had a giant waterfall that you could jump off of. It was probably a 10-15 jump. From the ground level it looked like no big deal. I instantly thought "I can do that! I'm gonna go do it!" I waited in line for about 10 minutes and watched countless children bound off the damn thing as if it were nothing...again, increasing my esteem that this will be easy. When I got to the top I froze. Suddenly, 10 feet looked like 100. Those children suddenly pissed me off. I stood there, PDA looking at me, my heart racing and totally unable to do this jump. Why? What was going to happen to me? I'm a strong swimmer, so I didn't have to worry about not coming up. I eventually jumped, but I remember the fear more than the jump. I was so angry that I wasted so much time waiting to make that jump that clearly felt good and was exhilarating to do.
I've notice lately that I've been doing a lot of cliff jumping, not in the literal sense, but symbolically in my actions. Many of them are just little things, but they are significant to me. However, I did one major cliff jump that took me almost a year to jump for....I gave away my wedding dress. It was totally coincidence...I didn't wake up and say "I'm going to get rid of my dress today." It just sort of happened. And it went to someone who I KNOW needs it. I instantly started to cry. I cried not because I was sad, but because I was happy. Happy that this THING closes a chapter in my life. Happy that joy can come out of something that caused pain. Happy that someone will wear a dress she could never afford and feel like a princess. Perhaps that dress will make new memories, better memories for a couple that will cherish it more than PDA and I ever could.
I feel like 10000 lbs. have been lifted off of me. More specifically, it's a sign that I have learned to forgive myself. I no longer feel guilt for the divorce.
Of course this all happens right before going to see Eat Pray Love. That movie was like watching my life unfold. And it felt good to know that I was able to reach Liz's (how ironic) zen on my own. I didn't need to travel to learn those lessons...I did it right here in NJ. When Liz says "I want something to marvel at," I know exactly what she meant. Photography has become my tool to marvel. There is this higher level I've reached in life and I can't (or don't want to) look back from it.
This climax couldn't have come sooner either. I got home and saw that Photo man does, indeed, have a girl friend. Prior to last night, I would have been bummed. However, now I could care less. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved and don't have as much anxiety over meeting up with him Sunday. And if I look at every moment in life as a lesson, I have learned that I CAN casually ask someone out and that I can hold back my need for information/answers and let the cards fall where they may.
So now, I'm looking for cliffs to jump. I don't think there could be one too high at this point!
I've notice lately that I've been doing a lot of cliff jumping, not in the literal sense, but symbolically in my actions. Many of them are just little things, but they are significant to me. However, I did one major cliff jump that took me almost a year to jump for....I gave away my wedding dress. It was totally coincidence...I didn't wake up and say "I'm going to get rid of my dress today." It just sort of happened. And it went to someone who I KNOW needs it. I instantly started to cry. I cried not because I was sad, but because I was happy. Happy that this THING closes a chapter in my life. Happy that joy can come out of something that caused pain. Happy that someone will wear a dress she could never afford and feel like a princess. Perhaps that dress will make new memories, better memories for a couple that will cherish it more than PDA and I ever could.
I feel like 10000 lbs. have been lifted off of me. More specifically, it's a sign that I have learned to forgive myself. I no longer feel guilt for the divorce.
Of course this all happens right before going to see Eat Pray Love. That movie was like watching my life unfold. And it felt good to know that I was able to reach Liz's (how ironic) zen on my own. I didn't need to travel to learn those lessons...I did it right here in NJ. When Liz says "I want something to marvel at," I know exactly what she meant. Photography has become my tool to marvel. There is this higher level I've reached in life and I can't (or don't want to) look back from it.
This climax couldn't have come sooner either. I got home and saw that Photo man does, indeed, have a girl friend. Prior to last night, I would have been bummed. However, now I could care less. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved and don't have as much anxiety over meeting up with him Sunday. And if I look at every moment in life as a lesson, I have learned that I CAN casually ask someone out and that I can hold back my need for information/answers and let the cards fall where they may.
So now, I'm looking for cliffs to jump. I don't think there could be one too high at this point!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Pharaohs
"You kept me wanting wanting wanting
like the wanting in the movies and the hymns
I want the pharaohs, but there's only men
I want the pharaohs, but there's only men"
It's so God-damned true. I want the pharaohs...but I've only had men. Are there really pharaohs out there? I started thinking about this on way home tonight. I've been hopeful that I will find the 'one' all summer. However, my idea of that person might have been negative. I assume that I will have this role in which I will have to do certain things in order to maintain it or better yet...I dreamed this man as the others I've been with. Ones that have disappointed me. I also project this vision in which I control many things...because it's easier to control your environment than to admit you're disappointed. That is how it has been with ALL of my past relationships. I have picked up the slack for these men; I've made their roles/jobs real easy.
So I ask myself? Have I been wishing for the same thing (disappointment and control) all this time? Have I somehow lowered my standards simply because it's easier to wish for subpar things rather than shoot for the fairytale? And I know exactly why I'd do this....because I don't think I deserve the fairytale. And that's just sad. For someone who can get up in front of hundreds and speak as if I do it everyday (well I kinda do) and give advice to people who tell me they look up to me.....I sure have a hard time believing in myself. It's real easy (and masochistic) to think you're not worth it, but I have to stop thinking this way.
I AM BEAUTIFUL.
I AM TALENTED.
I DO DESERVE A PHARAOH.
I AM A TEMPLE...A GODDESS.
It's very easy to type these phrases. Now I must try to believe they are true.
like the wanting in the movies and the hymns
I want the pharaohs, but there's only men
I want the pharaohs, but there's only men"
It's so God-damned true. I want the pharaohs...but I've only had men. Are there really pharaohs out there? I started thinking about this on way home tonight. I've been hopeful that I will find the 'one' all summer. However, my idea of that person might have been negative. I assume that I will have this role in which I will have to do certain things in order to maintain it or better yet...I dreamed this man as the others I've been with. Ones that have disappointed me. I also project this vision in which I control many things...because it's easier to control your environment than to admit you're disappointed. That is how it has been with ALL of my past relationships. I have picked up the slack for these men; I've made their roles/jobs real easy.
So I ask myself? Have I been wishing for the same thing (disappointment and control) all this time? Have I somehow lowered my standards simply because it's easier to wish for subpar things rather than shoot for the fairytale? And I know exactly why I'd do this....because I don't think I deserve the fairytale. And that's just sad. For someone who can get up in front of hundreds and speak as if I do it everyday (well I kinda do) and give advice to people who tell me they look up to me.....I sure have a hard time believing in myself. It's real easy (and masochistic) to think you're not worth it, but I have to stop thinking this way.
I AM BEAUTIFUL.
I AM TALENTED.
I DO DESERVE A PHARAOH.
I AM A TEMPLE...A GODDESS.
It's very easy to type these phrases. Now I must try to believe they are true.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A Change of Ring Tone
Okay, so this blog isn't really about relationships. It's about changing. Making room for the new by eliminating the old. Now some things that have been around in your life forever should stay...like friends, family, morals, etc. Everything else doesn't necessarily have to GO, but it should evolve.
Today I changed my ring tone...VERY symbolic. I've had 'Get Into the Groove' by Madonna for years. I felt that song represented who I WAS...but not anymore. I still love the song, but I don't feel connected to the song like I used to. And my new ring tone (Bad Things) doesn't represent my new identity, but the change symbolizes the new me. I no longer need things like that to define me. Me defines me. Identity doesn't have to be so specific...it can take many shapes and forms, but all those things together create a person.
I feel good about things...simply because I feel good. Nothing has changed around me, my way of thinking has changed. And my attitude. :)
PS-Going shooting with the Photo man next week! ;)
Today I changed my ring tone...VERY symbolic. I've had 'Get Into the Groove' by Madonna for years. I felt that song represented who I WAS...but not anymore. I still love the song, but I don't feel connected to the song like I used to. And my new ring tone (Bad Things) doesn't represent my new identity, but the change symbolizes the new me. I no longer need things like that to define me. Me defines me. Identity doesn't have to be so specific...it can take many shapes and forms, but all those things together create a person.
I feel good about things...simply because I feel good. Nothing has changed around me, my way of thinking has changed. And my attitude. :)
PS-Going shooting with the Photo man next week! ;)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Lessons Learned While Photographing
I'm not sure if I mentioned my passion for photography on here yet. Well I guess I just did! It's one of the most rewarding things I do. For someone that is a bonafide visual person, photography is the ONLY way I can truly express myself. It allows me to show you what I see, what I think and what I feel. I'm so God-damned sentimental and such little things around me can strike emotion...and most people never see them or understand them. The fact that I can RECORD those images and show you how to appreciate them is an honor to me.
Well yesterday I had a wonderful day at a photo outing with people I've never met before. It was great to take pictures and share conversation with other artists. I love my friends...don't get me wrong...but meeting all these new people are teaching me many things.
1. I love to hike. I've always wanted to it, but never knew anyone who wanted to do it regularly.
2. I love going to new places.
3. Photography has definitely become a part of who I am and NOT something I just like to do.
4. For the first time, I can be myself among strangers and don't have to worry about what they think of me. I can just be me!
Number four is probably the biggest lesson. Whenever I meet new people I instantly put on the charms. I know I tend to be the out-going one and perhaps even dominate the conversation. I've always found this need to tell people EVERYTHING about me...and right away too. Not yesterday, though. Yesterday, I was able to listen and get to know these people and learn from them. I contributed when I had an important point, but it was nice to truly be part of a conversation and have an actual EXCHANGE with others. For someone with OCD, this is really hard. My mind often wanders and I usually miss most of what people are saying.
Well yesterday I had a wonderful day at a photo outing with people I've never met before. It was great to take pictures and share conversation with other artists. I love my friends...don't get me wrong...but meeting all these new people are teaching me many things.
1. I love to hike. I've always wanted to it, but never knew anyone who wanted to do it regularly.
2. I love going to new places.
3. Photography has definitely become a part of who I am and NOT something I just like to do.
4. For the first time, I can be myself among strangers and don't have to worry about what they think of me. I can just be me!
Number four is probably the biggest lesson. Whenever I meet new people I instantly put on the charms. I know I tend to be the out-going one and perhaps even dominate the conversation. I've always found this need to tell people EVERYTHING about me...and right away too. Not yesterday, though. Yesterday, I was able to listen and get to know these people and learn from them. I contributed when I had an important point, but it was nice to truly be part of a conversation and have an actual EXCHANGE with others. For someone with OCD, this is really hard. My mind often wanders and I usually miss most of what people are saying.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Question Answered
I was out to dinner with Word this past Friday. He told me that he sees me as relaxed and fresh...mainly because I had no anxiety over a guy. He got me thinking....HE NAILED IT.
I have spent every relationship in fear and anxious. And what for????
I can suspect some answers. Perhaps I somehow knew deep down it wasn't going to work. Or that I sensed that in the end the pieces would all come together. Maybe there were tiny disappointments in the beginning that raised red flags and I ignored them. I've even thought that my OCD and the need for control (and not being able to control the 'other') might have caused it. Whatever it was, I can't give a sure answer as to why I have so much fear and anxiety in relationships.
Actually the answer might have just hit me....my fear is that they can and will never love me for who I truly am. I'm sure many of them have tried, but they never had a fair chance...mainly because I wouldn't let them know the true me. So the true fear for me is that I will be rejected. Rejected for who I truly am. Perhaps a few months ago, that would be a valid reason to retreat. However, now things are different. I've learned to love myself. There is no reason someone shouldn't love me for who I am. I'm a kick ass person!!! And my friends and family, they all see this in me. The love me for who I am.
Perhaps that really is 'what friends are for.' I get so wrapped up in my head sometimes, that even I can't appreciate myself for who I am. Or notice the subtle changes for the better in me like Word and Cool Momma have expressed to me recently. For this I am beyond blessed for the family and friends in my life. I've said it before...but I can never say it enough. Living life is the most amazing feeling and it's very hard to 'live in the moment' at times. However, living and enjoying the moment with the people in my life is beyond amazing. There really is no word to describe it actually.
I have spent every relationship in fear and anxious. And what for????
I can suspect some answers. Perhaps I somehow knew deep down it wasn't going to work. Or that I sensed that in the end the pieces would all come together. Maybe there were tiny disappointments in the beginning that raised red flags and I ignored them. I've even thought that my OCD and the need for control (and not being able to control the 'other') might have caused it. Whatever it was, I can't give a sure answer as to why I have so much fear and anxiety in relationships.
Actually the answer might have just hit me....my fear is that they can and will never love me for who I truly am. I'm sure many of them have tried, but they never had a fair chance...mainly because I wouldn't let them know the true me. So the true fear for me is that I will be rejected. Rejected for who I truly am. Perhaps a few months ago, that would be a valid reason to retreat. However, now things are different. I've learned to love myself. There is no reason someone shouldn't love me for who I am. I'm a kick ass person!!! And my friends and family, they all see this in me. The love me for who I am.
Perhaps that really is 'what friends are for.' I get so wrapped up in my head sometimes, that even I can't appreciate myself for who I am. Or notice the subtle changes for the better in me like Word and Cool Momma have expressed to me recently. For this I am beyond blessed for the family and friends in my life. I've said it before...but I can never say it enough. Living life is the most amazing feeling and it's very hard to 'live in the moment' at times. However, living and enjoying the moment with the people in my life is beyond amazing. There really is no word to describe it actually.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Not Wanting to Attain So Much Anymore
Unattainable let me down the other day. It wasn't that he did something mean or was an asshole or anything like that. He disappointed me. And in a pretty big way...he basically could not take my word at face value and assumed I was someone I'm not.
Now I know this sounds really bad...but it was a VERY minor thing. He probably didn't even realize he did anything wrong. However, it was a BIG wrong for me. It also taught me a few extra lessons:
1. That it's real easy to fall for someone based on false pretenses
2. It's SOOOOOOOOO important to know someone BEFORE you want to get romantically involved with them. In other words, you can't rush into a relationship...which is something I'm REALLY good at doing. I now know I must take things SSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWW.
I feel I was lucky for feeling this one out. Granted, he was unattainable all along, but my old patterns would have had me telling him how I feel and then God knows what would have happened! Plus, he's still a beneficial person for me, so no bridges got burned in the process. :)
And somehow I'm grateful and relieved this all happened. All the questions I had about this man have either been answered or don't matter anymore. And I also have found, yet another, quality in a man I want. I want someone who has faith in me the way I will have faith in him. He will hear what I tell him and hold those words as the truth. Because I have no reason to lie. And he also will understand/appreciate the respect I have myself and for others and not ever question it.
Now I know this sounds really bad...but it was a VERY minor thing. He probably didn't even realize he did anything wrong. However, it was a BIG wrong for me. It also taught me a few extra lessons:
1. That it's real easy to fall for someone based on false pretenses
2. It's SOOOOOOOOO important to know someone BEFORE you want to get romantically involved with them. In other words, you can't rush into a relationship...which is something I'm REALLY good at doing. I now know I must take things SSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWW.
I feel I was lucky for feeling this one out. Granted, he was unattainable all along, but my old patterns would have had me telling him how I feel and then God knows what would have happened! Plus, he's still a beneficial person for me, so no bridges got burned in the process. :)
And somehow I'm grateful and relieved this all happened. All the questions I had about this man have either been answered or don't matter anymore. And I also have found, yet another, quality in a man I want. I want someone who has faith in me the way I will have faith in him. He will hear what I tell him and hold those words as the truth. Because I have no reason to lie. And he also will understand/appreciate the respect I have myself and for others and not ever question it.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Rings and Things
Zumba Girl and I were power walking yesterday, when we came accross a couple making out in the park. Right away something was off because a. they were not teenagers and b. it was 3 in the afternoon. By the third lap, we were able to realize he had a wedding band and she did NOT. They were obviously at the park having an affair.
My first thought was 'EEEWWWW! That's horrible.' However, the more time I've had to think about it, the more I wonder what's really might be going on. I'll be the first to admit that I've 'cheated.' It was bad, too. A simple 'hook up' that destroyed a relationship in a matter of an hour. I still hold guilt over it. However, I'm not a bad person. I was in a shitty situation...I was miserable in that relationship and I know now my infidelities were really a cry for help. Granted, a trip to the therapist would have been a nicer way to express these feelings, but I didn't know any better. I felt trapped! Looking back now, I'm glad I cheated. It ended a pattern of life that wasn't worth living anymore.
This is all not to say it doesn't suck. I, too, have been cheated on and it hurts something awful. However, what we saw in the park was more than a hook up...it was an EMOTIONAL affair. And that's where I get angry. I think we all have our 'what was I thinking moments.' Kinda like the one I had, but to form an emotional connection with someone else is the bigger crime. And it kind makes me mad that PDA got soooooo bent out of shape. He has a rights, don't get me wrong, but I could have done some much worse things. Not that I plan to do this in the future! PLEASE don't think that!!!! I'm just venting about something that made me realize how weak PDA was.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm kinda over the whole 'hook up just to get laid' thing. Anyone can do it and anyone can do it attached or single. So I guess it's lost its appeal to me. And I'm LIVID at that man from the park. How dare he do that? And dare that woman to allow it to happen? How awful is your marriage that you need to 'take a lovah' in a public park and make out with her all over it?!?!?! If my relationship ever got THAT bad, I'd make sure we'd call it quits BEFORE it even got to that point. I feel for his wife...whatever their situation is.
I know skeptics may say "Maybe she's cheating too!" or "Perhaps they have a deal worked out so it's ok!" NO IT'S NOT OKAY! AND NO THEY DON'T HAVE A DEAL!!! How do I know this? Because if that were the case, they wouldn't have to meet in a park at 3PM on a Monday to proclaim their love for one another. This is a bonafide secret.
So....why the hell am I blogging about this and what does it have to do with me and my situation?? I realized how important it is to be honest with YOURSELF, in order to be honest with others. There is a reason that man is cheating, and what ever that reason is, is a mask for what he's lying to himself about. It does seem easier to fill your life with drama, blame others and lie than it is to look at yourself and see your faults. I've spent the past 3 years facing my faults...it sucks. But I've learned some really cool things about myself and for the first time EVER, I love myself. And I love myself enough to never put anyone, or anything, before me again. A great book that helps drive this point home is "God on a Harley." Read it! It will change your life!
Wrapping this all up, when things start to feel wrong...listen to your body. Hear what it's trying to say so you don't end up grossing people out in a park!!!! :)
My first thought was 'EEEWWWW! That's horrible.' However, the more time I've had to think about it, the more I wonder what's really might be going on. I'll be the first to admit that I've 'cheated.' It was bad, too. A simple 'hook up' that destroyed a relationship in a matter of an hour. I still hold guilt over it. However, I'm not a bad person. I was in a shitty situation...I was miserable in that relationship and I know now my infidelities were really a cry for help. Granted, a trip to the therapist would have been a nicer way to express these feelings, but I didn't know any better. I felt trapped! Looking back now, I'm glad I cheated. It ended a pattern of life that wasn't worth living anymore.
This is all not to say it doesn't suck. I, too, have been cheated on and it hurts something awful. However, what we saw in the park was more than a hook up...it was an EMOTIONAL affair. And that's where I get angry. I think we all have our 'what was I thinking moments.' Kinda like the one I had, but to form an emotional connection with someone else is the bigger crime. And it kind makes me mad that PDA got soooooo bent out of shape. He has a rights, don't get me wrong, but I could have done some much worse things. Not that I plan to do this in the future! PLEASE don't think that!!!! I'm just venting about something that made me realize how weak PDA was.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm kinda over the whole 'hook up just to get laid' thing. Anyone can do it and anyone can do it attached or single. So I guess it's lost its appeal to me. And I'm LIVID at that man from the park. How dare he do that? And dare that woman to allow it to happen? How awful is your marriage that you need to 'take a lovah' in a public park and make out with her all over it?!?!?! If my relationship ever got THAT bad, I'd make sure we'd call it quits BEFORE it even got to that point. I feel for his wife...whatever their situation is.
I know skeptics may say "Maybe she's cheating too!" or "Perhaps they have a deal worked out so it's ok!" NO IT'S NOT OKAY! AND NO THEY DON'T HAVE A DEAL!!! How do I know this? Because if that were the case, they wouldn't have to meet in a park at 3PM on a Monday to proclaim their love for one another. This is a bonafide secret.
So....why the hell am I blogging about this and what does it have to do with me and my situation?? I realized how important it is to be honest with YOURSELF, in order to be honest with others. There is a reason that man is cheating, and what ever that reason is, is a mask for what he's lying to himself about. It does seem easier to fill your life with drama, blame others and lie than it is to look at yourself and see your faults. I've spent the past 3 years facing my faults...it sucks. But I've learned some really cool things about myself and for the first time EVER, I love myself. And I love myself enough to never put anyone, or anything, before me again. A great book that helps drive this point home is "God on a Harley." Read it! It will change your life!
Wrapping this all up, when things start to feel wrong...listen to your body. Hear what it's trying to say so you don't end up grossing people out in a park!!!! :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Do You Think I'm Stupid?
I know the following statement might offend a few people, but here it goes anyway????
'I am beginning to think that men have little to no integrity or intelligence in this world.'
There I said it. At least most of the ones I encounter on a regular basis or have dated. I know for a fact that PA (ex boyfriend of mine that's short for Passive Agressive) is sitting in the same place(behind his desk) preaching his 'wisdom' through a microphone...singing about us at an open mic and how glad he is he's free of me. I can picture the scenario in my head...he's wearing the same sneakers ( that I bought him) and jeans and some dumb ass tie because he' thinks it makes him look bad ass, singing his heart out to about 5 people in a washed up bar on open mic night. I'll admit, I once was in love with this man and thought what I just described was the sexiest thing a girl could ask for in a man. I thought he and I would take the world for quite a ride! :) And I woke up and realized it was MY car we were driving...and I was paying for the gas. He was only along for the ride. He just didn't feel like sitting home.
So this is what I am talking about...so many men act like assholes and the whole time they're doing it, they seriously think that we (or at least I) am going to fall for it!
I especially love the men that chat with me online and start talking about how they're going to violate my vagina and leave me hungry for more and then ask me out casually for coffee! Or the ones that TRY to have intelligent conversations with me and then send me photos of their hard-ons or them in their underwear. Those are fun! I know they're sitting there SERIOUSLY getting off by thinking that I AM getting off to their pictures and what they have to say! Do you honestly think that I'm going to 'hit the bedroom' because you TELL me how you're going to make me climax? NO I AM NOT!!!! I am sitting there laughing at you and only talking back because I want to see what you say next!!!!!!!
Perhaps I'm just smarted than men are...and I'm not saying this as a woman's liberation ad. It's the truth. And for the record, I think many woman are just as dumb, because many of them would love to keep driving and paying for gas with PA because they're too insecure to walk away...but not me. I want a man that will challenge my intellect. Someone who will make me think just as much as I hope to make him. And, yes, someone who will talk dirty to me...AFTER he's earned the right to...by being a friend and gentleman first.
So...I feel like I need to end this blog with a song. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4_B8nTvSEA
'I am beginning to think that men have little to no integrity or intelligence in this world.'
There I said it. At least most of the ones I encounter on a regular basis or have dated. I know for a fact that PA (ex boyfriend of mine that's short for Passive Agressive) is sitting in the same place(behind his desk) preaching his 'wisdom' through a microphone...singing about us at an open mic and how glad he is he's free of me. I can picture the scenario in my head...he's wearing the same sneakers ( that I bought him) and jeans and some dumb ass tie because he' thinks it makes him look bad ass, singing his heart out to about 5 people in a washed up bar on open mic night. I'll admit, I once was in love with this man and thought what I just described was the sexiest thing a girl could ask for in a man. I thought he and I would take the world for quite a ride! :) And I woke up and realized it was MY car we were driving...and I was paying for the gas. He was only along for the ride. He just didn't feel like sitting home.
So this is what I am talking about...so many men act like assholes and the whole time they're doing it, they seriously think that we (or at least I) am going to fall for it!
I especially love the men that chat with me online and start talking about how they're going to violate my vagina and leave me hungry for more and then ask me out casually for coffee! Or the ones that TRY to have intelligent conversations with me and then send me photos of their hard-ons or them in their underwear. Those are fun! I know they're sitting there SERIOUSLY getting off by thinking that I AM getting off to their pictures and what they have to say! Do you honestly think that I'm going to 'hit the bedroom' because you TELL me how you're going to make me climax? NO I AM NOT!!!! I am sitting there laughing at you and only talking back because I want to see what you say next!!!!!!!
Perhaps I'm just smarted than men are...and I'm not saying this as a woman's liberation ad. It's the truth. And for the record, I think many woman are just as dumb, because many of them would love to keep driving and paying for gas with PA because they're too insecure to walk away...but not me. I want a man that will challenge my intellect. Someone who will make me think just as much as I hope to make him. And, yes, someone who will talk dirty to me...AFTER he's earned the right to...by being a friend and gentleman first.
So...I feel like I need to end this blog with a song. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4_B8nTvSEA
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