Cliff Jumping

A few years ago I was at a pool that had a giant waterfall that you could jump off of. It was probably a 10-15 jump. From the ground level it looked like no big deal. I instantly thought "I can do that! I'm gonna go do it!" I waited in line for about 10 minutes and watched countless children bound off the damn thing as if it were nothing...again, increasing my esteem that this will be easy. When I got to the top I froze. Suddenly, 10 feet looked like 100. Those children suddenly pissed me off. I stood there, PDA looking at me, my heart racing and totally unable to do this jump. Why? What was going to happen to me? I'm a strong swimmer, so I didn't have to worry about not coming up. I eventually jumped, but I remember the fear more than the jump. I was so angry that I wasted so much time waiting to make that jump that clearly felt good and was exhilarating to do.

I've notice lately that I've been doing a lot of cliff jumping, not in the literal sense, but symbolically in my actions. Many of them are just little things, but they are significant to me. However, I did one major cliff jump that took me almost a year to jump for....I gave away my wedding dress. It was totally coincidence...I didn't wake up and say "I'm going to get rid of my dress today." It just sort of happened. And it went to someone who I KNOW needs it. I instantly started to cry. I cried not because I was sad, but because I was happy. Happy that this THING closes a chapter in my life. Happy that joy can come out of something that caused pain. Happy that someone will wear a dress she could never afford and feel like a princess. Perhaps that dress will make new memories, better memories for a couple that will cherish it more than PDA and I ever could.

I feel like 10000 lbs. have been lifted off of me. More specifically, it's a sign that I have learned to forgive myself. I no longer feel guilt for the divorce.

Of course this all happens right before going to see Eat Pray Love. That movie was like watching my life unfold. And it felt good to know that I was able to reach Liz's (how ironic) zen on my own. I didn't need to travel to learn those lessons...I did it right here in NJ. When Liz says "I want something to marvel at," I know exactly what she meant. Photography has become my tool to marvel. There is this higher level I've reached in life and I can't (or don't want to) look back from it.

This climax couldn't have come sooner either. I got home and saw that Photo man does, indeed, have a girl friend. Prior to last night, I would have been bummed. However, now I could care less. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved and don't have as much anxiety over meeting up with him Sunday. And if I look at every moment in life as a lesson, I have learned that I CAN casually ask someone out and that I can hold back my need for information/answers and let the cards fall where they may.

So now, I'm looking for cliffs to jump. I don't think there could be one too high at this point!