Damn good song. Bands with piano players rock my world. Awesome day today. 'Nuff said. :)

Lessons Learned While Throwing

Today I threw on a potter's wheel for the first time in about 15 years...and it showed. Not that I was any better back then. One of my students conned me into it actually...she asked me if she could stay after school to make a plate for another class. Somehow I got this brilliant idea to break out one of the wheels in our building. Halfway through the afternoon I was knee deep in clay and wishing I said 'NO.' And then one of my other students starting offering tips and the next thing I knew there were 4 girls and myself talking about life and boys and being a teenager...and I had one of the MOST humbling moments of my career. They could never, and will never, know when this enlightenment came, but in the midst of it all, these 4 random students came together and shared a moment, and I was only lucky enough to be a part of it. Moments like these can't be measured on a test, nor can be validated on a teacher evaluation. You couldn't even find funding to force this to happen in some charter school that thinks they can do better. It's life lived...and that's what we all forget when we talk about educating children.

Okay...getting off soapbox now! ;)

I realized in our talk today that the only thing kids want is to have someone listen to THEIR needs; and we don't because some how we feel our problems as adults outweigh those of our youth. Granted, that's true. However, when we're in the moment of NOW, any problem seems monumental...and only time and space can shrink its size. Add hormones to the mix and you have a situation on your hands. (No, not the Jersey Shore) Lesson learned for today...children are just as able as we are to teach and enlighten. And even though there were no successful pottery pieces made today, a great lesson was learned today.

On a side note...someone asked me the other day (in a moment of loathing) "What if this was worst time in your life?"

If that's true, then I'm on a lucky path! :D

21-14

Today I experienced my first ever high school football game. It was in the town that I work in. We won!!! It was a fruitful victory!!!

Only I wasn't talking about the team. I was talking about me. I hardly was able to pay attention to the actual game! So many things were going on around me! Somewhere in the fourth quarter, I was able to take myself away from my surroundings and look at the big picture...and it was beyond humbling. Old, current and future students surrounded me. People I hadn't seen in years approached me. As I sat with my coworkers and watched the cheerleaders cheer, the band play and the players tackle, it dawned on me: "I'm a part of this." And for someone who has been battling fears of loneliness lately, this struck me with a lightning bolt of enlightenment.

Growing up, I protested these functions. There was even a moment in time I was proud of the fact that I never attended a football game when I was in high school. I saw it as something fake and for popular people. I categorized games as "Anyone not like everyone else need not apply." And I'm sure there are several other people out there who will let that legacy live on...but I can no longer pray to that god.

I think the hardest part to deal with when it comes to my fear is leaving this earth and not being remembered; your existence ceases with your last breath. Attending today's game put that thought to bed. I am remembered already...by my students past. And even though I am only an art teacher, somewhere my words of wisdom are remembered, honored and recreated. It feels so awesome to be a part of something greater in the world. My new favorite word is COMMUNITY.

PS-Today my students taught me. :)

War of the Worlds

I blame the lightning that touched down outside my apartment a couple nights ago...because ever since it did I've felt like crap. I think when the lightning hit, some alien entered my body and now I feel like the scene where Tim Robbins ruins the movie by slowing it down to make it two hours and where I think they reveal the roots and the blood part. I feel like the aliens sucked all the blood out of my veins. And now, in some adrenalin induced thought, I'm running to Boston because, for some reason, I predict I will find solace there. The flaw in the movie (and with myself), is that there's no guarantee solace is in Boston, let alone appear almost unscathed. Geez...I don't even know if Boston is still standing...but I'm running that way because I have hope. Hope that what I wish for is out there still...

Today was a hard to day to hope. It is also sad that I want to actually want to watch War of the Worlds again.

The Hollow is No Longer Hollow

Today I visited the place where I have some very vivid memories of childhood...Jockey Hollow. It only took me 8 years of teaching in Morristown, and a new type of photography to bring me there, but I went... and it was awesome. So much of it was exactly as I remember it...and it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside to walk around by myself and take it all in again. Walking through the Wick house, seeing this strong foundation of American History and smelling the burnt wood smell of the soldier bunkers on top of the hill was such a great way to ring in fall.

I thought a lot about being a kid today. It all started this morning in Quik Check. It was a two-cup coffee kinda day, so as I was preparing my Limited Edition Harvest Spice Blend, 'Unwritten' by Natasha Bedingfield came on. I personally hate this song, but it's easy to sing along to. So there I was, walking around Quik Check (which usually has pretty awesome music to rock out to in the AM), singing this song as if I wrote the damn song myself. I personally apologize to anyone in the store at 9AM today. :) Anyway...as I'm belting out this song, I actually internalized the lyrics for a moment.

"Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips"

My first thought was "OMG! How true is this?!?" and felt kind of enlightened. I somehow went down the 'Why didn't I understand this when I was younger' route when it dawned on me- these lyrics are a crock of SH*T!!!! Okay, to be more intelligent about it, the lyrics can have very contradictory meanings. As a child you're told to do everything...how to dress, where to go, what to eat...Geez! You even have to ask to go to the bathroom!!! I can't even count how many times I got in trouble for not following the 'rules.' UGH! I even remember when I was learning to write, my teacher yelled at me for holding the pencil wrong-and I'm a FREAKING ARTIST NOW! Glad I didn't listen, I guess??? My point is, we spend our whole lives being TOLD how to live life and then this double standard comes in and asks you "What are your hopes and dreams?" "What does your heart tell you?" How can any person easily answer these questions as an adult after the way society raises us? Or...will they EVER be able to?

I consider myself lucky, I guess. My parents taught me to own my thoughts. I see people everyday ache for something else. They don't even have to say it, or even be a really good liar. I just sense it in people. My psychic hip. I embrace that I have the creativity to be different; and the peace of mind to be comfortable doing it. I used to feel cursed that my mind wasn't like everyone else...like I was crazy or something. Now, I'm glad it's not.

If I could wish one thing for all of you tonight (in this amazing thunderstorm, with a full moon and the official change of season-CRAZY ENERGY!!!) it would be for you to see the world the way I see it. You get glimpses sometimes when you see my photos, but if you could FEEL what I feel when I take those pictures...you'd be in a constant euphoria. Everything I photograph is with great passion and emotion. A story so to speak. :) Okay...tangent.

Back to wishes-

I wish for all of you to ask yourself "What is my heart saying at this very moment?" And hopefully you can muster enough clarity to hear it answer back. Believe me, it is! You just have to listen. Today my heart told me it felt pretty full...and it's been a while since it was able to say that! :)

PS- If you want to see the pics from my excursion today click on this link:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizziegrigio/

PPS- Yes, I really do wear Chuck Taylors to work. I'm the art teacher...I can get away with it! :P

Just Dance

Ahhhhhhh! The days when Lady Gaga still dressed normal and humping a blow up whale seemed a bit much. Where did those days go? :)

Seriously, though...have you ever really listened to the lyrics of this song? They didn't really scream out to me until this past Saturday driving home from the shore of all places. I had a touch of the sillies (thanks to the 4 beers I had earlier) and was 'car dancing' when this song came on. With a true hatred for Lady Gaga, Lola played along too. In my throws of Gaga-passion, the lyrics were as clear as day:

"Just dance. Gonna be okay.
Da-doo-doo-doo
Just dance. Spin that record babe.
Da-doo-doo-doo
Just dance. Gonna be okay.
Duh-duh-duh-duh
Dance. Dance. Dance. Just dance."

How simply perfect is that? I'm not trying to over-analyze this or anything, but I love to dance. I don't think I'm good at it, but I always find myself catching the beat. I spent most of this summer dancing around my apartment...


If you take the advice of Ms. Gaga when you're mind's in the toilet, like mine has a tendency to travel to occasionally, dancing is something I find great pleasure and relief in. In the privacy of my own home, of course! :D

PS- I WANT that zebra dress/coat thing she's wearing in this video!!!

Everything Zen

"Everyday Life is the Path"

Joshu asked Nansen: `What is the path?'

Nansen said: `Everyday life is the path.'

Joshu asked: `Can it be studied?'

Nansen said: `If you try to study, you will be far away from it.'

Joshu asked: `If I do not study, how can I know it is the path?'

Nansen said: `The path does not belong to the perception world, neither does it belong to the nonperception world. Cognition is a delusion and noncognition is senseless. If you want to reach the true path beyond doubt, place yourself in the same freedom as sky. You name it neither good nor not-good.'

At these words Joshu was enlightened.

Mumon's Comment: Nansen could met Joshu's frozen doubts at once when Joshu asked his questions. I doubt that if Joshu reached the point that Nansen did. He needed thirty more years of study.

In spring, hundreds of flowers; in autumn, a harvest moon;
In the summer, a refreshing breeze; in winter snow will accompany your.
If useless things do not hang in your mind,
Any season is a good season for you.


This saying was presented to me earlier this spring by a very unlikely source. It directed me to a path of learning to let go this summer. I lost the link to this a couple weeks later and recently it found me again. Since it had become so influential to me, I decided to do a little research on where it came from. It's a story from a book of Zen sayings by Mumon called The Gateless Gate. My goal was to buy this book and get a better understanding of what Mumon is all about. Instead, I've found myself researching what ZEN really is and how it is practiced. I've started reading a book called "Being Zen' by Ezra Bayda. And so more learning begins!!!!!

One of the analogies made in the book struck a chord with me and the thought's been marinating in my head for a few days now. Bayda mentions that our lives are like ice-skating on thin ice. One the surface, we live life as if everything is perfect. However, we almost ALWAYS smooth over the cracks or skate around them. This is just a patch job and never prepares us for when the ice breaks. In other words, we ignore(or deny) the dark parts of our lives(the cracks). And when the ice breaks, and we hit the bottom (death, breakups, etc.), we're at a great loss. In order to find zen in our lives we must acknowledge these cracks exist (fear, anger, sorrow) and be willing to accept them as a part of who we are just as we are able to acknowledge the good. Reading these words actually made me feel like I truly accomplished something great for the first time in my life. I can freely acknowledge my cracks in life...and somewhat embrace them to some extent. I'm sure you're all wondering what they are...I'll share one:

I know many of you have told me in the past that you think I'm a strong person. And I KNOW I present myself as such...quite often in fact. However, I can openly admit that I am afraid of dying alone. I know many of you will think this is nuts...Cool Mamma has already scolded me for fearing this...but I can't help it. I'm scared. I've developed some really great diversion tactics to not think this way...and they work for the most part, but in the wee hours of sleeplessness and bad dreams, the image of me in the same place I am in now 60 years from now haunts me.

Of course there are others, but I'd like to keep them to myself now. The point is, I know what they are and embrace them. It's when we accept the 'holes' in our lives, we can live with total peace. Reason? Because these holes are like dirty secrets...we try desperately to cover them up so we won't be judged by others. And with our lives becoming so 'public' nowadays, it's even easier to present our lives as 'perfect' when, in fact, they are farthest from it. I've fallen for this trap...you know that friend on facebook who has all the coolest posts, has all these pictures of amazing vacations, parties and times with friends. You stalk their page with envy for them...and shame and loneliness for yourself. You ask yourself, "Why couldn't I have that life?" Well, the answer is simple. That life isn't the truth. It's almost the "there's three sides to every story..." saying. Somewhere lies the truth, but neither you nor that person has shed light on it.

The other part of Zen that has captured my attention is the whole 'living in the moment' concept. Something else I've learned how to do this summer. I never realized how much I've missed out on because I was too busy dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Why is it so hard to be anywhere in this world but right here and now??? It's still hard for me to get into this "NOW" zone from time to time. I guess in a world consumed with 'have it done yesterday and be prepared for tomorrow' it would be. And I have to say, the feeling in my chest when I can embrace 'NOW' is intense...it feels like I'm flying. :) My first blog mentioned my 'indescribable connection with the sky.' Perhaps this is why. When Nansen says " If you want to reach the true path beyond doubt, place yourself in the same freedom as sky," and I believe that my 'connection' is what he is referring to. When you live in the NOW, so many doors open for you. I've made a point now to block out as much time each day to put myself there...and embrace nothing but what is around me. I worship my surroundings, and thank God for them. It's called enlightenment.

So to wrap up...check this Zen thing out. I'm not planning on converting or anything, but it's a great way to find peace in yourself. Stand where you are and ask yourself... "Where am I? What is around me?" Open your heart to ANYTHING...and anything will come...perhaps even what you dream of. Or even something greater than that! And after you read this, say out loud (even if you can only say it when you're alone) ONE crack in your life. I swear it will take 100 lbs off your shoulders!



PS- I will fix the grammatical errors eventually...I promise!!!! :(

Have A Listen Folks!

I heard this song in shuffle mode tonight and thought I'd share. I always get warm and fuzzy feelings when I hear this song! Does anyone else get warm and fuzzy feelings when they hear certain songs????? Or am I just nuts?

Names and Bells Today

I'm sitting here as they read the names of those lost in the World Trade Center on 9/11. It amazes me that this day is exactly the same as it was that Tuesday 9 years ago. What's more amazing is how clear the image of that day and the weeks to follow are still in my head. I wish I had my photography itch back then...so I could show you all the images that stuck out in my head. Like the FBI and army vehicles that flew down Broad St. in the boring town of Bloomfield, NJ... Or the fear in the faces of young children when we picked up my sister early from school.... Or the zombie covered in dust and bodies, my father, who knocked on my window at 4AM to let him in and who could nothing but hold me and sob for almost an hour. Perhaps I was the only one who noticed how the parked cars by the bus stop of NYC commuters lay still...and as each day passed became a symbol of someone who wasn't coming home.

When I think back to those thoughts, I remember this immense amount of HOPE. This prayer that people were just 'displaced' and eventually everyone would find their way home. And with each growing day, the hope dissolved and grief set in. Today, they are a name and a symbol for a feeling I could never describe. And as I listen to each name, and pause for silence with each bell, I think these people did all find their way home...it's just not here on earth.

Honor those who were lost today by doing something with great thought and meaning...and let it be done with peace and love.

Still Ticking...

...so many things that is. My wall clock. My heart. This blog.

Despite my 'withdrawal' from NBC, I've decided to keep blogging. However, after a long discussion with Cool Momma, I've realized something. This blog isn't really about love and relationships; it's about me. And I guess that's okay. Perhaps I have obsessed too much this summer over whether or not I'll 'find the one.' What I need to do is change my course and start talking about the things/people I ALREADY love. I guess this blog has the ability to change like the tides, or the moon...

For the last week the energy has been INTENSE. Can anyone else feel it? I mentioned it in an earlier blog, but never really elaborated on it. Sadly, I can't explain it that well though. To call it psychic would be overdoing it...I can't predict the future. However, the forces (weather? space? stars?) out there have taken me hostage...and in some masochistic way I'm adoring it. Something's in the air...like change is coming and I don't know what it is that's changing. Perhaps, this time of year is MY own personal New Year. When the ball drops in January, I always expect there to be this physical change from 11:59 to 12:00...as if the world is about to split into two. It never happens and I'm slightly disenchanted by the whole thing. However, now???? NOW is the time for change- and I ain't talking Obama change. It's almost metaphysical.

Whatever has gripped my heart, and brain, I'm loving it. I wouldn't go as far as to call it a rose-colored glasses effect, but it's pretty damn close! And when in the past this feeling scared me, I'm now hopping on...and riding it like a bull at a rodeo. I want to see where this all takes me.

Faceblah and Farewell?

I recently saw my 'friends' list on Facebook and saw it was a whopping 249 friends. WHAT?!?!? How is that possible? Especially when I sometimes spend Friday nights by myself! So I started looking into WHO these people are and how did I accumulate so many people? I'd say I have about 20 family members, 10 or so really good friends and a few trustworthy co-workers...so they can stay. As I scanned down the list, I realized that I haven't talked to or seen the majority of these 'friends' in over 10-15 years. So why am I friends with them? I started to delete them...I'm already down 50 people, but then this double-edged sword stabbed me in the back:

"What if I 'offend' these people?"

And then it all came to me...WHY DO I CARE?????
Seriously, why should I care about offending a person who simply 'added' me as a friend to say "Oh, yeah! Lizzie Grigio! I remember her...cool!" And after the initial "What have you been up to?" wall post, they go silent.

And I'm also starting to rethink this whole blog thing. I'm not sure I really want people to know me by my blog. This is just a tiny snippet of who I am as a person. This evening I respectfully declined to continue the application process for ivillage. I don't think I want the world to know this much about me anymore. Granted this blog has helped me grow, but what happens when I find someone? And what if they don't want to be discussed on here? What started as a really great way to clear my mind, now has me wondering how it will affect me down the road? And the whole teacher thing...not a good thing for me probably. Ultimately, I don't want new people that enter my life getting to know me this way. I want to get to know people from now on the old fashioned way...actually going out and having great conversations. It all goes back to my blog about online dating. It's not natural to get to know people this way, in all this social media-madness. So this may be my last public blog. And it seriously makes me wonder:

Are We Now Forced (in a way) to Lead Public Lives in Order to Stay Social????

I blame the media and the product of fear. It seems everyone now is afraid of strangers. I ALWAYS talk to strangers...yes a few were 'interesting,' but they're strangers! Be polite and walk away. It seems today in order to spend time with someone, you need a laundry list of facts about a person in order to 'hang.' And how can you trust those facts are true??? Oh, wait! I forgot...if it's on the interwebs it HAS to be true! ;) But seriously, folks. There is nothing to be afraid of out there. Yes, there's crime. Yes, there's deceit. However, there's also great kindness to encounter. And joy to be had. And life to be lived. And sometimes...the greatest joys can be had when you least expect it. As long as you open your heart, great things can come your way. :) And I might be getting close to saying Bye-Bye to Facebook soon...the only purpose it's currently serving me is a major traffic site for this blog. Guess I have some things to think about.

Advice for those of you that have off Thursday: Talk to a stranger! They'll either make your day or you'll make theirs! :)

I Feel Your Heat...

I have officially had this song stuck in my head for the last 24 hours and have managed to incorporate it into my dreams as well. There's always ONE song this time of year (transition from summer to fall) that gets me 'feeling weird.' When I was younger I always thought it was because I had a lot of bad memories take place in the fall, but now I can't say that because I've also had a lot of good things happen during this time also. I'm just going to blame it on some sonic force from space that affects the energy and I'm sensitive to it. Anyway....this song does have to do with love, so I figured it was okay to post it. Plus, I just needed get my thought out.

Insomnia, Morning Coffee and Tears

So I slept a whopping four hours last night. It's so frustrating when my brain won't shut off and I'm up thinking about everything from toothpicks to potatoes. It's especially bad after an action packed day like yesterday...it just takes my head double the time process everything that occurred. Sometimes it's down-right annoying. However, I really can't blame yesterday on my sleepless night. Bigger fish have been frying.

Friday I received an email that this blog is a finalist for ivoices, a part of ivillage, which is a social network for woman through NBC. Yes. HUGE news! Very excited. However, I now have until FRIDAY to submit a video that includes the following:

a. a little bit about myself, including something I've never told anyone before
b. and interview with someone who is important to me
c. the best advice I have for women

The 'B' factor is probably is what is keeping me awake. I guess I've never really sat down and listed all the people that are important in my life...or better yet...could explain WHY they are important to me. Sadly, the first people that came to mind were men. That frightens me a little bit. However, that might be a topic left for another blog.

Since this is a site for women, it is a given that who ever I interview should be a woman. So then I thought of my favorite artist, but she's dead and way too famous to let me interview her. So then I go to family. And here's where things get tricky, I guess. Of course I haven't even completed this thought and already tears are coming down my face. And, ironically enough, one of my readers said I should write about my platonic and familiar relationships as a way to compare and contrast them with romantic ones...so reader- this one's for you.

When it comes to my family I feel often like the odd man out sometimes. I didn't really start feeling that way until recently, but I know I always worried my parents to some extent. My anxiety and OCD (back then these issues were not something really diagnosed) made me do some stupid things and I sometimes fear I've let my parents down. Even though I'm a successful teacher, photographer and great friend...I always feel like they're disappointed and I should have done more with my life. I see how the pattern started...it goes back to my grandparents. They were so hard on my parents to be perfect, and a little bit of that slipped into my parents' expectations as well. There have been times where no matter what I do, I'm still expected to do more. I understand that these expectations are not cast upon me in vain...it's done out of love and the dream that all of their children get the best of everything out of the world. So I get it. Despite all of this, I adore my parents. There's been some rocky roads, but it's only made us stronger as a family.

My sisters ( I have two) are another story.

Sister #1 is only two years younger than I am, so we were as thick as thieves growing up. Especially in our twenties. We did everything together! Danced, shopped, even graduated college together...and then life took us in different places and I feel we've grown apart. She and I often use the analogy of the relationship of the sisters from "In Her Shoes." And the reality is the only thing we've ever had in common, aside from each other, was our shoe size. However, when I think about the "In Her Shoes" analogy, I get so sad. It is clear that I would be the Cameron Diaz sister...the scatter brained, uses sex appeal to get a man's attention, always gets herself in trouble sister. And I hate that. I hate that WAS actually the person I used to be. Anyone who knows me would find a way to dispute this, but I know the truth in myself....this is who I was and what I did. And I know I frustrated my family at times...especially Sister #1. I could see the hurt in her eyes...not because I directly hurt her, but because I knew she saw my potential and I wasn't living up to it. #1 is a very introverted person and doesn't always express her feelings, but I can so read her like a book. And I knew each and every time I let her down just by looking at her face.
Recently she messaged me about the speech I gave at her wedding and that she loved me. As I sit here typing this and sobbing, I knew that was the sign that we were coming back to the place we once were. I didn't see her face when she said it, but I psychically knew at that moment that she is proud of who I've grown to be now. It was some kind of message to me that I am at my full potential and she is glad.

Sister #2 is another story. I feel like we never had the tides in our favor from the start. When my mother told the family she was pregnant with #2, I sobbed. The change did not come well for me. I think the only time we ever truly got along was when she was a baby. I loved her so much as a baby...I loved to feed her, take care of her, play with her. I have fond memories... However, the moment she started speaking was the moment we started to not get along. I wish I knew what it was that divides us so much. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to make it work, and it always get thrown back in my face. I wonder if it's our age difference. Or maybe we're TOO much alike. Or maybe it seems we're almost from two different generations. Whatever it is, I don't think we'll ever find peace. And it hurts so bad to hold that thought in my head. I love her terribly. I want to protect her as if she was my own child, but she and I are stuck in this endless cycle of arguing and I don't see an end to it. Usually when repetitive patterns like this come up in my life, I look with in to see how I contribute to the pattern and find ways to change. Well, I have done this so many times I've lost count and still no solution. So I've conceded to keeping my mouth shut when the brink of an argument arises and take the good times as much as they come. I guess that's all that I can do...

So....how does this all relate back to my application? And who am I going to interview? And how does this compare to the romantic relationships in my life? UGHHHH! So many questions! And this blog already feels like a book!

Here's how I'm going to wrap this up....I'm going to chose Sister #1to interview. I think that answer came as I was writing about our relationship. She probably knows me better than anyone else. And I think I'm going to think about the last question and make that a separate blog about it. I think I blogged enough for all the bloggers of the world this morning AND I've cried through most of this and need to get out of this funk. I'm going to go for a walk in this gorgeous weather and think. I leave you with this quote and hopefully think as well:

“No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?”

It's a quote from Elbert Hubbard...a poet. I honestly just googled family quotes and liked this one the most, so I don't know much about him. I guess I'll now have to get one of his books to understand what he's trying to say. Happy Sunday!

Two in One Day!

I know this is very out of character of me to write two blogs in one day, but I couldn't go to bed tonight without getting this thought out of my head.

I, Lizzie Grigio, probably had one of the best days of my life today. Great weather, great places, great company, great conversation. Hands down! I climbed around in airplanes, shot abandoned buildings, went to Coney Island, rode the giant ferris wheel (a little scary, but still fun) and drove around the city just to drive around the city. It was a great way to 'end' the summer season and it was nice to 'just be.' I've mentioned cliff jumping before...I think I'm still falling from one. I can still feel the wind on my face. :)

I'm going to end this day with this song and a little Zinfandel.

Happy Saturaday

Today is going to be a great day! Tell someone you love them and be at peace with what you do with your life. Everything that surrounds you is a gift.

Glory Box

"I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long..."

I was googling to find the year this song came out and came upon some pretty interesting information about this song. I thought "Glory Box" might have been a term for a vagina, however it's actually an Australian term for a piece of furniture that hold items of clothing and items preparing for marriage. Nice little factoid for you!

Anyway....I wish I really listened to the lyrics of this song back in 94! I was sweet 16 and just starting my journey of love. I sometimes wish I could go back and warn young Lizzie Grigio of the errors she's about to make. I doubt she'd listen though....

I've been thinking about my past a lot lately and I wonder what my life would be like if things were different. Not in the sense of feeling bad, but purely out of curiosity. I am a firm believer in 'everything happens for a reason.' And out of all things that have gone wrong in my life, I can't ever say that I regret they happened because, if anything, I learned HUGE lessons from them. For example, I was supposed to marry PDA...so I could learn that I had OCD and answer a bunch of questions about my life. I also learned that not all people are genuine and intimacy is NOT a public affair. I also was supposed to date PA so I could learn to love again and realize I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want. Maybe I can even say all those men who sent dirty pics were supposed to do that in order for me to learn self respect.

So what would my life be like if, just for fun, I was happily married? Where would I be? How many kids would I have popped out by now? With all these thoughts I shudder a bit. Because it means I'd have missed out on so many things by now. Most of the people I speak of on here became close to me AFTER my divorce. I wouldn't have all these wonderful people to enjoy life with.

Short blog today, I know. I've had this blog in my head for a couple days now and wanted to get it out of my head before the weekend. I hope everyone enjoys their Labor Day and remember why we celebrate it. It not so Americans can have one last wa-hoo BBQ before the summer ends. It's to honor all of us who work hard to make a living.

One more thing...I'm starting to get a bit of a fan base here and I'd love to know who you are! If you're following my blog, I'd love to here about you and your relationship experiences too! Last month I had over 400 readers!!!!! Some from other countries! I could really get some great ideas for future blogs just by hearing from you! So please....let me know you're out there!!! :)

I'd Like to Catch a Match For My Fish So There'll Be Harmony

I had a very intense conversation last night with Lola about online dating. Our conversation is still playing in my head...mainly because I felt like it didn't end on a positive note. I won't go into specifics, but the jist of the conversation was how confusing and terrible online dating really is. I'm sure some of who have read my blog might have wondered why I wasn't part of an online dating site...I do want to find my 'special someone.' Here's why I will NOT do online dating:

Now, for those of you who met your soul mate on an online dating site, I'm very happy for you. I am in NO WAY trying to insult you or put down your choices. However, I think there is a BIG myth out there that online dating sites have thousands of relationships and weddings occurring as a result of their services.

I was a member of an online dating site for about 5 minutes. Online dating isn't natural, nor do I think regular dating rules apply in online dating situations. For starters, you're learning a LOT of information about someone in a very short amount of time. So when you actually MEET someone, there really isn't a lot to talk about. For example, when you meet someone at a bar, you're seeing that person IN THE FLESH and having a conversation right away about what you do, what your sign is or perhaps something completely random. Online dating requires you to create a profile as a way to 'sell yourself' to the opposite sex. That profile asks everything from your favorite book to where your mother grew up....ALL things you learn about someone ON A DATE!!!!! So I already feel like you know too much about someone before you actually meet them. Granted, for someone who wants to weed through all of those things quickly, then perhaps online dating would be ideal. However, I like to learn about people in due time.

On the subject of profiles...you seriously have to question the integrity of every one's profile. Is it really the truth? I went on ONE date while a member of one of these sites. This guy's profile said he liked movies, crossword puzzles, cooking and a couple other things that peeked my interest. When he messaged me, he said he thought we would get along 'infamously.' Well, now I'm really intrigued!!! We talked on the phone a couple times and set up a date. Well, his profile failed to mentioned he didn't have a job and was still in school. He also failed to mention he couldn't make one decision for himself and his photo was taken 8 years ago! I felt lied to. It was great that he was into all of those things, but he didn't give enough information about himself, nor did he honestly represent who he really was. Or at least that's what I thought. Bottom line, how can you HONESTLY describe yourself when your trying to sell yourself??? I will even admit that I can't totally be honest describing myself. When I wrote my profile, I said that I had a great design sense, payed attention to detail and was very neat. That's a really nice way of telling someone that I HAVE OCD!!!!! People get paid millions of dollars to make a skunk smell like a rose....it's called ADVERTISING. So if you take the analogy I just gave you, you can't trust what you read about someone on these sites...including your own!!!!!!! Great equation for disappointment.

Another reason I think online dating isn't natural involves the rules of dating. I feel, that when you meet someone on a date, it is NOT really a date. It is a meeting. So do you think 'date rules' apply??? I don't. I don't expect him to pay or do any of those things. If you're meeting from two different places, should he walk you to your car when the night's over? Should he open all the doors for you? I don't think I could answer these questions. As much as I would LIKE him to those things, I really can't say it's rude if he doesn't. In my eyes, it's not a date and he doesn't owe me anything. Of course if I were interested in him, it would mean a lot more to me that he did those things because it tells me he's a gentleman. And if I wasn't interested, I'd be praying he wouldn't do any of that because it would make me uncomfortable. So where do we draw a line in the sand?

Finally, and this is the money shot for me as to why I won't online date, the best way to meet someone is in the flesh, doing the things that interest you already!!! One of the biggest lessons I learned about love and relationships this year, is that you have to develop a friendship with someone first in order to have a grounded 'relationship.' Sex and lust is VERY easy...and also falls apart VERY easy too. A friendship is built on a much stronger foundation. And when you develop a friendship DOING things that are interesting to you, you automatically know you have an attraction to someone that's into the same things as you. I truly believe that my 'soul mate' will be met doing what I love in some way, shape or form. Can't explain why...I can just feel it.

I really should wrap up this LONG blog. I guess I'll close by saying this...

Please yourself, before you please others. When you can be confident with yourself then it's easy to be you around other people...particularly members of the opposite sex. THAT is the best way to meet someone. And even though I haven't met someone yet, I'd rather be single the rest of my life than do it any differently than I'm doing now. I love myself, I love what I do and I don't feel I need to go to the ends of the earth...or the Internet...to find the person I'm supposed to be with. LOVE will find me. And for those who are in the same boat as me...it will find you too. :)