Welcome Back!

Perhaps you should be telling me that! I can't believe it's been three months since my last blog!!! It seems time has stopped...and picked up again three months later. I also find it fascinating that I blog most during thunder storms than any other time! I guess that's good?

So what possessed me to blog? Not sure. Perhaps it been a while since I've put my thoughts out in journal format...or perhaps, once again, things are changing at an alarming rate and I need this blog to really process it all.

Shutterbug and I are going strong! VERY strong. And I couldn't be happier! It's great to know what true love is...and I marvel at each moment we cherish.

Grandma is still kicking...not as strong as she was, and definitely in another world, but it amazes me that despite severe dementia, her true colors still shine. It makes me think about people in general, and all the dumb pyschology that gets in the way. The 'need' to make a point. The 'need' to be right. It's all non-sense. Whe you strip away all the politics and motives in the world, you have to ask yourself "Who are we?"

As with every year around this time, everyone starts to get on everyone's nerves. The micro-managing begins, as well as back-stabbing and confrontations. What was once a common goal, is now a deal-breaker. It breaks my heart to see it this way...however, I often feel I'm the only one who takes the step back to see it. And when I do, I see the same problems people vowed to change last year, and forget some where between June and September.

I've made a point this time to not forget, and hopefully be proactive NOW, so that parts of this cycle can break. Call me the eternal optimist, but I'm hoping the changes keep coming...

Snow Day Ramblings

I'm home once again, on another snow day. The third in the last two weeks. All three seem really useful in the morning, but 1 PM, utterly unnecessary. Luckily this time, I worked extra hard to get stuff done yesterday, just in case this snow day came.

I can never just do things on 'autopilot.' Everything I export from @lizziegrigio has been pondered, hand-crafted and made with love. Artwork, reports, articles, etc. I can never pull a Nike and "Just Do it." I've learned to love this quality in myself, but sometimes it can really be mentally draining. Thus, I'm glad I have this day off to reflect on all the chaos of yesterday.

It wasn't like there were major occurrences that took place, but I currently have too much on my plate. And when someone like me who put too much thought and care into things, has too much on her plate, it becomes mentally grueling at the end of the day and I can't shut off. Between end marking period chase downs, to the play, to union work...I'm spent. Not mention Grandma...who, God Bless Her, is stable and recovering. I hope I have her genes! And I think the biggest challenge I face with all I have to do, and think about, is the overall lack of enthusiasm going on. A teacher would blame politics. A director would blame snow days. But I think the blame should be on ourselves. Everyone expects someone else to do things for them now-a-days. No one wants to volunteer. No one wants to help. We have become such a "What's In It For Me?" society. It's depressing for me to see. Sadly, not many other people see it this way either. How can they? They're too busy worrying about themselves that they can't step back and see all the possibilities of 'what could be' out there.

So here's a list of requests from anyone who reads this blog today:

1. Step back from small things and see the big picture.

2. Ask yourself if there is ONE thing you can do for someone other than yourself. (It can be something as little as letting some one go ahead of you entering a door.)

3. Smile at a stranger-it'll make you feel good!

4. Find a stranger and spend 5 minutes pondering what it would be like to be in their shoes.

5. Be thankful for ONE thing in your life.

Mothers and Daughters

It hit me today that my grandmother is dying. She's had a rough time the past few weeks, but after hearing about last night's fall and trip to the ICU again, it really got to me. Perhaps it was my mother's reaction that got me more.

My dad is over seas until Wednesday, and she had to be at the hospital with her alone last night. After much back and forth about why she didn't call me to come be with her, my mother said something so beautiful, my heart was touched. Despite years of dementia, at 1:30AM my grandmother insisted my mother go home to get some rest. And my mother felt great peace driving home in the snow. It was almost as if the snow was a gift from my grandfather. After talking with my mother, I realized how much I am my mother's daughter.

One day, she'll tell me to go home and get some rest on her death bed. And I will drive home in the snow, remembering all the wonderful moments that only a mother and daughter can share. And hopefully one day I'll be able to tell my daughter to go home too. It's the cycle of life. When someone is leaving that cycle, it is hard to see how beautiful it can be. But it is, indeed, beautiful.

I love you grandma.

And I also dedicate this blog to Cool Mama today as well...

Breaking Patterns

There is this great conflict in life in which people claim they want better things in life and somehow repeatedly fall back into the place they wish to escape. I know this feeling all too well.

As I have fallen completely in love with Shutterbug, I often fear, and almost wait for the bliss to crumble. I am so used to disappointment in relationships, that the feeling of disappointment has become a comfortable feeling to have. This masochistic notion that in order for me to be content, I must have disappointment in my love life. And as each day comes, and disappointment does not, I find myself becoming anxious and insecure, and completely terrified I will ruin everything or he will change his mind and break it off. The thought of ever losing Shutterbug could make me sick.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that I DESERVE this man? Much like a recovering addict counts his/her days of sobriety, I now have to convince myself regularly that I am a good person and I DO deserve this man. Does anyone else go through this? And if so, has anyone overcome the "I don't deserve this" feeling? Because I sure want to be rid of this...I want to say aloud that I deserve Shutterbug! And believe it too.

A Year in Review

I never really understood the whole New Year's thing. For me, it feels more like New Year's in September when I go back to school. It is then when I make resolutions to be more organized, pay more attention to my students needs, or just be a better person in general. So when I hear everyone talk about this stuff now, I can't get in on it. In a lot of ways, it's just another day. However, since everyone is looking back on 2010, I can't help but be a little reflective.

When I think back to where I was exactly one year ago, and where I am now, I'm at opposite ends of the world. This year started awful. I felt hopeless and depressed and didn't think my life would go anywhere. Cool Mama and I were talking one day in the beginning of the year and we decided the mantra for 2010 would be "Fuck it." I let go of all the pain and let myself become a leaf in the wind...go where ever life takes me. It was probably the hardest thing for someone like me to do, and it wasn't easy, but damn my life took a drastic turn. And here I am, exactly where I wanted to be. I'm happy with who I am, in love and dedicated to all of my jobs. I'm excited to see what comes next! Most importantly, I have relinquished control of my future, and I am truly following whatever path life takes me on. I am balanced and whole.

Yesterday Cool Mama asked me what the mantra for 2011 will be. That's a tough one. I may have to get back to you all on that. I want to say something like "Keep the Zen Going," but I think I can come up with something better. In the meantime, I hope you all have a Happy New Year and drink responsibly tonight!

Post Christmas Blues

Does anyone else get sad the first few days after Christmas? I sure do. Cried my eyes out to Shutterbug the other day...and all I could say is "Christmas is over."

But is it?

There are technically 12 days of Christmas. AND let's not forget the Wise Men coming on January 3rd. So why does everything 'shut off' on December 26th? I guess companies have decided to stop conning you into buying things, and don't want to pump the 'Christmas Spirit' into your head in order to get you to SHOP SHOP SHOP!!!

The depressing part of this is many of us all buy into this. I was out and about yesterday, and already saw Christmas trees at the curb. Why do we spend over a month preparing for something and then try our hardest to forget it even happened the next day? We have this opportunity to keep the holidays going and yet we are so quick to 'go back to normal.' But when you think about it, what are we doing that is abnormal? Spending more time with family? Embracing the spirit of giving? Making and partaking in traditions? Baking? Cooking more meals with love?

Why can't we do that all year round?

So here's my request. Next year (even this year since we still have 6 days of Christmas left) partake in ONE holiday-ish thing every day for the 12 days of Christmas. Shutterbug and I have decided to plan that out for next year.

Merry Christmas is Not for Everyone

Is this not the cutest picture of my nephew??? Adore that kid!

As I sit enjoying the sounds of the Charlie Brown Christmas album, sipping a Gingerbread coffee and taking in all that is Christmas, I can't help but think of those who find Christmas to be a sad time of year. Not everyone finds this holiday a time to rejoice. For some it reminds them that they are poor, alone or neglected. Let us all remember those who are less forntuante than we are, and be thankful that we can rejoice and be glad on this holiday.

Every year on Christmas Eve night, my father leaves ONE candle lit in the front window as a sign that all are welcome to come and stay for shelter. Let us all leave a candle lit tonight, if not to invite those who need shelter, but to remember and pray for those who will not wake up to joy and cheer tomorrow. May it be a symbol that they are not alone....

I hope all my readers (if there are any left!) have the BEST Christmas ever and are surrounded by love.