Snow Day Ramblings

I'm home once again, on another snow day. The third in the last two weeks. All three seem really useful in the morning, but 1 PM, utterly unnecessary. Luckily this time, I worked extra hard to get stuff done yesterday, just in case this snow day came.

I can never just do things on 'autopilot.' Everything I export from @lizziegrigio has been pondered, hand-crafted and made with love. Artwork, reports, articles, etc. I can never pull a Nike and "Just Do it." I've learned to love this quality in myself, but sometimes it can really be mentally draining. Thus, I'm glad I have this day off to reflect on all the chaos of yesterday.

It wasn't like there were major occurrences that took place, but I currently have too much on my plate. And when someone like me who put too much thought and care into things, has too much on her plate, it becomes mentally grueling at the end of the day and I can't shut off. Between end marking period chase downs, to the play, to union work...I'm spent. Not mention Grandma...who, God Bless Her, is stable and recovering. I hope I have her genes! And I think the biggest challenge I face with all I have to do, and think about, is the overall lack of enthusiasm going on. A teacher would blame politics. A director would blame snow days. But I think the blame should be on ourselves. Everyone expects someone else to do things for them now-a-days. No one wants to volunteer. No one wants to help. We have become such a "What's In It For Me?" society. It's depressing for me to see. Sadly, not many other people see it this way either. How can they? They're too busy worrying about themselves that they can't step back and see all the possibilities of 'what could be' out there.

So here's a list of requests from anyone who reads this blog today:

1. Step back from small things and see the big picture.

2. Ask yourself if there is ONE thing you can do for someone other than yourself. (It can be something as little as letting some one go ahead of you entering a door.)

3. Smile at a stranger-it'll make you feel good!

4. Find a stranger and spend 5 minutes pondering what it would be like to be in their shoes.

5. Be thankful for ONE thing in your life.

Mothers and Daughters

It hit me today that my grandmother is dying. She's had a rough time the past few weeks, but after hearing about last night's fall and trip to the ICU again, it really got to me. Perhaps it was my mother's reaction that got me more.

My dad is over seas until Wednesday, and she had to be at the hospital with her alone last night. After much back and forth about why she didn't call me to come be with her, my mother said something so beautiful, my heart was touched. Despite years of dementia, at 1:30AM my grandmother insisted my mother go home to get some rest. And my mother felt great peace driving home in the snow. It was almost as if the snow was a gift from my grandfather. After talking with my mother, I realized how much I am my mother's daughter.

One day, she'll tell me to go home and get some rest on her death bed. And I will drive home in the snow, remembering all the wonderful moments that only a mother and daughter can share. And hopefully one day I'll be able to tell my daughter to go home too. It's the cycle of life. When someone is leaving that cycle, it is hard to see how beautiful it can be. But it is, indeed, beautiful.

I love you grandma.

And I also dedicate this blog to Cool Mama today as well...

Breaking Patterns

There is this great conflict in life in which people claim they want better things in life and somehow repeatedly fall back into the place they wish to escape. I know this feeling all too well.

As I have fallen completely in love with Shutterbug, I often fear, and almost wait for the bliss to crumble. I am so used to disappointment in relationships, that the feeling of disappointment has become a comfortable feeling to have. This masochistic notion that in order for me to be content, I must have disappointment in my love life. And as each day comes, and disappointment does not, I find myself becoming anxious and insecure, and completely terrified I will ruin everything or he will change his mind and break it off. The thought of ever losing Shutterbug could make me sick.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that I DESERVE this man? Much like a recovering addict counts his/her days of sobriety, I now have to convince myself regularly that I am a good person and I DO deserve this man. Does anyone else go through this? And if so, has anyone overcome the "I don't deserve this" feeling? Because I sure want to be rid of this...I want to say aloud that I deserve Shutterbug! And believe it too.