Back From the Dead

It's been a while since my last blog...I know. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. However, I'm not a good liar and there have been some major changes in my life and I needed to take a bit of a break.

It's moments like these where my poor writing skills and my visual learning style do my thoughts no justice. I wish there was a poetic way to tell you what I'm about to say, but I don't think there are words to describe my feelings. I've started to date someone!

We'll call him Shutterbug. He and I have been dating for a month and ironically I got reprimanded by a coworker/blog-reader for not blogging about this earlier! I kinda did that on purpose though. Aside from the fact that he could easily read this blog, I really wanted to get to know him first and have the ability to tell him first how I feel, rather than letting him read it on here. Sometimes it's more important to actually live life instead of blogging about it.Shutterbug is an amazing man. If you go back and read all the things I hoped for in a future partner, he's all of it and more! I'm falling fast...

One of things I've been struggling with though is that evil negative question:

Is it too good to be true?

At first I thought it was. I figured the 'other shoe' will drop and disappointment will set in. It hasn't...and my gut is telling me it won't. For the first time! Why do we plague ourselves with these feelings that we can't have the fairytale? That's it impossible for OURSELVES to truly be happy? It seems to me as if the only people I've felt truly capable to be happy are the ones who are far away from life, like celebrities or the rich.

Why do so many people feel this way? I often feel it's easier to think negative rather than positive because you won't feel so bad when you are somehow let down. I used to think it was karma, or even my catholic upbringing. One can even take the 'expectations' route. However, I'm starting to think what I really need to up my self-esteem. The truth is: I DO DESERVE a man like Shutterbug. I deserve someone who is caring, a good listener, passionate, funny, witty, smart and likes to do the same things as me. And he deserves someone like me too.

So I'm not going to worry about what I 'deserve' anymore. I have what I deserve...and I'm going to enjoy him. These are the moments I've been waiting for. And I'm going to live in those moments.

What's Happening?

I was watching the news this morning while getting ready for work and there was a news story about 9 gang members attacking a gay teen as a initiation ritual. And then immediately after that story there was another about a candidate for NY office who said at a press conference it's not fair to teach our children it's okay to be gay. After all that's been happening on the news with gay intolerance, I'm becoming a bit confused. Last time I checked we were in the 21st Century, right? When did it become okay to be publicly prejudice again? Haven't we spent the last, I don't know, 30-40 years teaching children it's okay to be yourself? Wouldn't that mean if you were gay, Muslim, or anything else? And it doesn't end here!

First, it was the mosque 'near' Ground Zero. Then, we're all burning Qurans on 9-11. Now this? Americans are becoming extremely intolerant...and ask I myself two questions:

1. Why is this all happening?
2. How much worse is it going to get?

I wish I could answer these questions. My mother said something that rang kind of true...she said that some of can't even fathom that others could possibly have a different opinion other than the one they already have. I think that kind of explains a lot of things as to why all this violence is occurring. We have become such a self centered group of people that we can't even step back from ourselves to see what's around us. Geez! My own family(extended) openly insulted me at the dinner table by saying that I make too much money, have too many perks and too much freedom at my job. HELLO?!?! Wouldn't you WANT that for your loved ones???

I blame the Internet and the product of fear. In a world where we can google ANYTHING from the comfort of our own home, we have the power to really limit ourselves with the value of knowledge we allow ourselves to absorb. Instead of going outside the confines of our comfort zone, and getting a real perspective, we stay safe in our cocoons (because the news tells us it's scary out there!) and continue to feed ourselves with what we already know. It's kind of like preaching to our own choir. And what's interesting about all of this, much of education today is driven by self-reflection and the 'experience' of learning. Ask any student, at any age level, and I promise you they keep at least one type of self-reflective journal. Social responsibility is becoming a major part of the learning process.

I hate to say it, but if we don't start taking a hard look at ourselves in the mirror to see how we individually contribute to this world (thank you social networking for destroying that), we're fucked. We, as a society can no longer hide under the blanket of generalities. We have to own our own thoughts. I really hope someone who is bigoted finds this blog and changes their perspective. Call me the eternal optimist, but there's a lot of good out there to be enjoyed. You just have to step out your door and open your eyes to see it.




Sorry for the Twilight reference! ;)

It's Been A While...

I know. I haven't blogged in almost a week.

Honestly, I don't have much to blog about lately. Things are good. Really good, in fact! And it's been a while. There isn't much to ponder. This is somewhat surprising, given the track record for this time of year. Everything is clear, I'm surrounded by amazing people and doing some amazing things. :)

So instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, I'm going to savor the present. Besides, it's the only thing I have control over anyway.

So, instead of continuing to write, I'm off for a power walk with my beloved ipod and this gorgeous weather. Here's a little peak of my musical addiction for this weekend:

Nerves

Nervous in the dictionary is defined as:

–adjective

1. highly excitable; unnaturally or acutely uneasy or apprehensive: to become nervous under stress.

But WHAT is it that makes one nervous? It could be a number of things...a job interview, first day of school, a first date, the results of a contest or even speaking in front of lots of people. Whatever the reason is, there are lots of nervous people out there...me included!

Why do things like these make us so nervous? One might say it's pressure or self esteem. Perhaps it's even fear. However, what do we REALLY have to loose in situations like these? Nothing really. Maybe a little pride or hope at best. In the end, though, we go right back to being the same person we were before.

Easier said than done though, right?

I am so secretly in love with this song... the ipod is probably mad at me! :)

Curves

I was driving through a residential area of Mountain Lakes earlier this week. The area was thick with trees and it was pouring rain, making it hard to see anything up ahead. It was still light out, but with all the trees above, it was somewhat dark out. All of a sudden the road began to curve right and out of no where appeared this gorgeous lake. The mist coming off it was breathtaking and the clearing of the trees made everything appear bright again. I actually pulled over for a bit just to take it all in. Of course I leave the camera home this time...

Although this actually did happen to me, this moment also acts as a metaphor for how this past week went. Perhaps I was on some sort of 'cruise control,' only looking for the straight away, because a bunch of interesting curves appeared this week and my whole perspective has changed as result. Specifically, I've been asked to be my nephew's godmother. I really didn't see that one coming. My inexperience with babies (and my self-criticism of such) allowed me to think I was not worthy of such an honor. And I always feel like I should be with him when I'm doing something else...like I don't spend enough time with my nephew. So when I was asked, I was shocked.

I've had some time to let this sink in and really think about what it means to be a 'godmother.' In the Catholic faith, it means that if my sister and bro-in-law pass away, it is my responsibility to raise him in the eyes of the church as his parents would have. For me, being a godparent might have a different meaning. I now personally feel responsible for well being of my nephew as he learns and grows. When I think of my godparents, I still feel like I had a special bond with them growing up...and now too. It seemed they always took a little extra affections to me. I hope nephew and I have that bond. We probably already do. Every time I see him, he looks at me and beams! It melts my heart every time too! Four months later, I still get a lump in my throat when I hold him...

This whole thing has given me much clarity...just like when the road bends and the trees clear. Everything seems brighter; more colorful. Somehow I just know every thing's going to be okay. Aside from the clarity, I also realized this week it's okay to trust your intuition. Perhaps it's because the road ahead is clearer and I can see father ahead then before. Or maybe its because I've always known my intuition was right...I just didn't want to hear what it was saying before. Well, I'm listening now...and I like what it's saying. :)