A Wedding is always fun!

So here I am in the lovely Massachusetts ready to watch the union of my cousin. As much as I can't wait for the party of the year, I can't help but feel a bit somber. I start thinking of my wedding, of course, and how the whole marriage went terribly wrong. Is this what will happen for the rest of my life? Am I now forced to think of PDA EVERY SINGLE TIME there's a wedding I must attend? It drives me crazy. And I especially LOVE showing up to this gig with no date. Alright, that's a low blow to myself. I preferably would rather not have one for this wedding...it's too much hassle and would have to 'entertain' someone who would not be 100% comfortable here, and I just want to enjoy my family. However, even if I wanted to bring a date, there were no takers anyway.

Then I get to thinking about marriage in general. In my opinion, marriage was a business deal for much of the first few thousand years of civilization. It was a deal between two families who wanted to keep their family 'name' as perfect and admirable as possible. Many spouses were pre-determined WAY before birth. So when and how did love become part of the equation? I don't know about you, but the second Love entered the mix, divorce started rising like a flood taking over a city.

So I ask "Is marraige REALLY the final token of affection for someone?" Is it really F-O-R-E-V-E-R? Because last time I checked...we as humans don't live for ever. And no one really knows what happens after we die...so couldn't wedding vows go something like "Do you? Liz. Take ??? to be your husband. For the next 60-something years? Then the idea of forever doesn't seem so daunting and permanent.

Despite all of my pondering and historical opinion, I do still believe in the concept of modern marriage. I do believe I will find that 'someone' and we will get married one day. The only difference will be I won't be marrying him because it's the 'next step,' but it will be because he will be the person that I can LOVE and cohabitate with as well. A 'marriage'...so to speak...of love and a really awesome business deal!

On a final note...Congratulations to Brian and Laura! You are an amazing couple and I know you will have a lifetime of joy and happiness, as well as a deep connection during the harder times.

XO

Solitaire

Yeah, I play it! I love it...especially when I'm bored. Vegas style. Sometimes when I'm home I even play it with a deck of REAL playing cards. Remember those?

Playing solitaire made me think of something today...magical thinking. I do it a lot. For example, if I win the first game of solitaire I'll have good luck. If I win any game in which I finish getting the hearts suit done last, I will be lucky in love. If I do that, AND the heart suit is all the way over to the left, then I'll REALLY have good luck! And if all that happens, and when the cards fly all over the screen, and they cover the entire screen...ALL my dreams will come true. Sadly this is how I think. I know it's a result of OCD, but I always fall into that trap of superstition and magical thinking. Always looking for signs...

As much as I know this is death trap, I can't help but believe in some of it. When I look at the world globally, there are too many patterns in it for things to just be coincidence. One does not need to believe in God to see or feel this. I don't even know if I believe in God. I believe in some sort of energy though...something's steering this world. And what a waste it would be if all the patterns in the world, all the 'illusions' were COINCIDENCE. I just don't buy that it could be. Sometimes I look at the sky and watch how the clouds shift shapes or how the wind blows the leaves of the trees...I feel like something's speaking to me. Someone or something is trying to tell me something...only it's another language that I don't understand.

Perhaps this is my problem in love. I misinterpret what I'm told and twist it into what I WANT to interpret it as. OR I just twist what love is into WHAT I want it to be through magical thinking. Maybe that's why I'm never satisfied. Or maybe my idea of love IS out there and it just hasn't found me yet. A great example of this is Unattainable. His words are like poetry to me...and it sings right to my heart. There have been a few things that have lead me to believe that he might feel the same way about me, but I fear my magical thinking is twisting it in that direction and that he's really JUST a nice guy. And I'm sure you're wondering why I haven't told Unattainable how I feel. The answers are simple. #1 He's way to beneficial in my life to blow it by telling him how I feel and thus making it weird and #2 He's Unattainable!!!!!! So of course I start the magical thinking.

"If I win this game of Solitaire, he's interested. If I get the 'trifecta,' he'll proclaim his undying love for me!"

How many of you out there have out your iPod on shuffle and said "Whatever song comes on will give me insight on this or that?" I know that myspace and facebook have had stupid chain letters about it. Imagine wanting to do that every 5 minutes. That's me...although I don't. I DO have a life! But that doesn't mean I don't think about it!

I need to stop thoughts like that. It's not healthy. However...there's this little voice in my head that's saying "Liz, it works. Keep playing solitaire!" "Ask God for a sign that Unattainable's thinking about you!" It can get maddening sometimes!

Anyway...I keep on trucking. Magical thinking and everything that is me. Magically... :)


I'll leave you all on this note:

And So The Journey Begins...

I've been inspired to truly start a blog. A blog about LOVE. Yes, love. Why not? Julie blogged about Julia Child, why can't I write a blog about love? I have a lot to say about the matter, and currently being single, have a lot to learn about love...not to mention a few funny stories along the way!

So let me bring you up to speed. I'm currently single. I've had 4 serious relationships. I even married one of them! None of them added up to my definition of love and all of them disappointed me in one way or another. So here I am...not necessarily looking for love, but trying to learn what love is and how I want it to play a role in my next relationship, and hopefully my last!

At this moment in time I feel as if my definition of love does not exist in reality. I'm too passionate, too sensitive and over think the hell out of EVERYTHING. I fear that there isn't anyone out there who can: a. keep up with me, b. see the world as passionately and closely as I can, or c. have the same definition of love that I have. That definition you ask? I have no clue! I have bits and pieces of it, but not a whole complete concept. But I do know I want the fairytale...not the happily ever after, but the wild 'fireworks' everyone speaks of. I've yet to experience that.

One thing I know for sure...I have the best friends and family a girl could ever ask for! They have always been there for me when I needed them and I am eternally grateful for each of them. Let me tell you about some of the awesome people in my life...of course I've changed their names and will never discuss their personal matters, but they give me AWESOME advice and have even been a part of many of my 'debacles.'

Cool Momma: She's been such a rock for me. She came into my life literally when my ex-husband (PDA) was walking out of it and has been a critical part of decision-making ever since.

Word: He is equally as a rock as Cool Momma. His advice is always dead-on-balls accurate and his intensity is something I appreciate. He reads me well and listens to everything I say carefully and responds wholeheartedly.

Zumba Chick: She's a newer friend, but she rocks my world. Her optimism and open-door attitude make me feel as if I have a place in the world.

Lola: Another great friend...she knows EXACTLY what I'm going through and validates all my thoughts and feeling as being normal. She too is there for me, and I feel I'm there for her too!

Those are my friends!

Currently, there are no romantic prospects...perhaps a really good time to start this blog so I don't have much backtracking to do. Of course there is Unattainable, though. He's everything I'd love to have in relationship right now...funny, courteous, respectful, deep and so much more. He makes me so excited about everything, but it can't and won't ever happen so I'm gonna try not to mention it too much on here. I've had intuitions about the situation, but my intuitions haven't been so accurate lately, so I'll keep my mouth shut for now. So, that's why I don't consider him a prospect because, well, he's unattainable!

So now you're up to speed on me! I am looking forward to embarking on this journey with you. I'm sure you'll laugh, cry and possibly hurl! I know I've wanted to hurl a few times myself!